Scorpion Dance

Here is my latest attempt :)

There are two versions, I am not sure what works best really. I was watching a programme about "Walking the Nile" & got inspired I s'pose

 

Scorpion Dance

 Under a red hot sun      

the shifting sands, the tides that turn   

In sirocco winds  the dragonfly hums

Under a red hot sun    

Their fragile wings of gossamer burn  

 

In shaded palms, where we held hands

We chanced romance, where the scorpion dance

 

A double take, a second look                    

You caught my eye, it was all it took         

Could this be fate, my true soul mate      

Is it love at first sight, or is it fake             

Are you the love of my life or more heart-ache   

 

Under a red hot sun     
the shifting sands, the tides that turn   

In sirocco winds  the dragonfly hums

Under a red hot sun     

Their fragile wings of gossamer burn  

 

In shaded palms, where we held hands

We chanced romance, where the scorpion dance

 

Like pages of a well thumbed book            

I can’t put you down, you got me hooked

From outta this chest my heart was torn

Swept off my feet by a desert storm

You were the sweetest thing that had ever been born

 

Under a red hot sun     
the shifting sands, the tides that turn   

In sirocco winds  the dragonfly hums 

Under a red hot sun   

Their fragile wings of gossamer burn  

 

In shaded palms, where we held hands

 

We chanced romance, where the scorpion dance

 

Scorpion Dance  edit

 A double take, a second look                    

You caught my eye, that was all it took         

When you turned around, oh you had such style       

I was set on fire by your glorious smile              

In this foreign land, my Queen of the Nile  

 

Under a red hot sun 
the shifting sands, the tides that turn   

In sirocco winds  the dragonfly hum

Under a red hot sun     

The fragile wings of gossamer burn  

 

Where rivers meet, I picture this

I hold you close, the longest kiss

In shaded palms where we hold hands

We chance romance, where the scorpion dance

 

Like pages of a well thumbed book            

I can’t put you down, you got me hooked

From outta this chest my heart was torn

Swept off my feet by a desert storm

You are the sweetest thing that has ever been born

 

Under a red hot sun 
the shifting sands, the tides that turn   

In sirocco winds  the dragonfly hum

Under a red hot sun     

The fragile wings of gossamer burn  

 

Where rivers meet, I picture this

I hold you close, the longest kiss

In shaded palms where we hold hands

We chance romance, where the scorpion dance

 

 

I hold you close, where the scorpion dance

 

Hi Alan,

This has some really beautiful images in it and I think it's well-written. I like the title with the metaphor, so it’s intriguing.

I think the 2nd version has more oomph to it, for lack of a better word! It starts off right away and creates anticipation as the “dance” goes on.

I wonder if “or more heart-ache” is out of place. Maybe without the “more” because that brings in baggage...lol. Maybe “pure heartache” as that might follow with the Scorpion dance idea.

I think the chorus would benefit from having the couple in it somehow. Link the dragonfly to the couple since for me, it reads as a setting without action. If you compare them to the dragonfly’s wings, it could “show” how fragile and delicate love can be. Or maybe their love is like the dragonfly’s hum. Don’t have a suggestion for you since the way it’s worded now is quite nice, it’s just missing that connection to them, imo. The verses show the "risks" and the chorus could celebrate the delicacy of their situation.

Just my two cents...would be nice to hear it with music!

Kristi

Hi, Alan

I prefer the new version. I don't think I'd change much. The words are very poetic and any major alterations would change perhaps that mysterious quality and meaning.

Only thing I might consider re-wording is some of  the word choices in the 1st verse . Cliche lines like, is it love at first sight and are you the love of my life could be more original. You did a great job through out the rest of the lyric with original lines.

 

 A double take, a second look                    

You caught my eye, it was all it took     that was all it took   

Could this be fate, my true soul mate   Could this be love, my true soul mate   

Is it love at first sight, or is it fake    Is it coincidence, or is it fate      or  Is it love by chance, or is it fate   

Are you the love of my life or more heart-ache  (If you use this line I'd take out "more", which to me creates unnecessary baggage for the singer and detracts from the story. Hmm. Maybe getting rid of heartache and refer to the love interest as someone who will stay in his or her life as opposed to someone who is passing by perhaps like a ship. Just a thought.

 

Other than that, I like it a lot, with or without changes.

 

Carl

Thanks Carl & Kristi for your comments & suggestions.

 

I must admit I don't think the first verse is strong enough "as is". I need to work on it a bit more.

 

How about this?

 

A double take, a second look

You caught my eye, that was all it took

Oh your mocha tan, your sensual gait     (Oh your mocha tan, your poise & grace??)

Could this be love, could this be fate        

In this foreign land, you make my heart race       (In a far off land you raise my heart rate??)       

 

 

 

 

Alan,

The third line's  'mocha tan' reminded me of Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca and the following two lines from that song I've quoted .

" Her lips are devil red , and her skin's the color mocha." -  Ricky Martin - Livin' La Vida Loca

Hmm I love sexy but I don't want to see you shift the aura or flavor into a new vibe here.  Have to think about that one, but I like the sensual gait ending. The whole piece comes off as sensual and poetic. Very nice! 

Could this be love, could this be fate works. It's common but it works.

In the last line, in my opinion (and opinion only ) I don't care for the ending with you make my heart race or you raise my heart rate.

The beginning part of the last line fits into the realm of what's going on here in the mysterious quality I got when reading this. " In this foreign land"   Yes, very intriguing. Foreign land could either begin or end the line depending upon what you have said here.

Hope this helps!  A terrific write no matter what changes if any come.

Carl

Hi Alan,

 

As far as v1 goes, the first two lines move fast and build momentum, so you may want to keep that going with the rest of the verse. What happens after "it was all it took"? Would he question what this is right now ("Could this be love...") or would he kind of enjoy a few more moments of discovering her? ("poise and grace..."). I don't know the answers here...lol...just throwing them out to you! My thought is, if he questions it in the middle of the verse, it slows it down, so maybe save that for the last line of the verse? "Has love arrived in this foreign land"....type of thing. That way you'll be matching the "well-thumbed book" verse as that reads all action til that final line of the verse, imo.

 

(Maybe we get to see a little of what happens to him too in relation to what's around him...his face gets flush, the skies get brighter...lol...etc...at those very beginning stages of seeing her...for those middle lines there).

 

Just a few more thoughts...

 

Kristi

 

Thanks again for all the excellent suggestions & positive comments,

I think I quite like this :)

 Only problem is, it will probably be sung by a female .........so it will need to be changed to King of the Nile :) :)

 

 A double take, a second look

 You caught my eye, that was all it took

 When you turned around, oh you had such style

 I was set like stone by your glorious smile

 In this foreign land, my Queen of the Nile   

 

                

I actually envisioned this being sung by a bloke but.....  I'm sure it will be great either way. Sounds better with queen (imo)

I think you mean  set IN stone,  no?

 

 

It was originally for a bloke :)   & I thought about "set in stone" or "turned to stone" but chose set like stone, 

my own thoughts were  using set  "fixed or situated in a specific position" or " harden into a solid"  (like stone) must admit I'm not sure if it works. I think most folk will say it should be "set in stone". I quite like it being subtley different  as long as it does make sense lol

Hmm. Let's see what others think.  Set in stone  and or set like stone?  I think it could be stronger than this. 

I was set on fire by your glorious smile?  When I first saw stone, I thought Medusa. Lol.  Not sure it works.

Think on it.  I'll have to watch that program or channel you were watching to get ideas like this to write about. Fabulous! : )

Hey Carl I really like that !!!!

"I was set on fire by your glorious smile", it really fits well with the overall imagery of hot sun, heat & desert etc.   

The programme reminded me of the unfinished lyric i've had sitting around for a few years now. I originally wrote it while lying on a sunbed in Egypt    I had to delete the bit about continually swatting bloody flies & the immeasurable pain a guy feels after an hour on board a camel!!!