Hi Alan,
This has some really beautiful images in it and I think it's well-written. I like the title with the metaphor, so it’s intriguing.
I think the 2nd version has more oomph to it, for lack of a better word! It starts off right away and creates anticipation as the “dance” goes on.
I wonder if “or more heart-ache” is out of place. Maybe without the “more” because that brings in baggage...lol. Maybe “pure heartache” as that might follow with the Scorpion dance idea.
I think the chorus would benefit from having the couple in it somehow. Link the dragonfly to the couple since for me, it reads as a setting without action. If you compare them to the dragonfly’s wings, it could “show” how fragile and delicate love can be. Or maybe their love is like the dragonfly’s hum. Don’t have a suggestion for you since the way it’s worded now is quite nice, it’s just missing that connection to them, imo. The verses show the "risks" and the chorus could celebrate the delicacy of their situation.
Just my two cents...would be nice to hear it with music!
Kristi