Wes
nice sentimental little piece you have here, certainly an emotion everyone can relate to
Few little suggestions
First the storyboard does not really progress (and probably your second verse is the first verse as it gives something about her). The best songs have every section clearly defined as to their part of the narrative, there is too much chorus in the verses and espeacially the bridge for mine. Bridges are really only if you have something new to add or conclude the narrative they do not have to be done for every song.
The chorus end rhyme of ME ENTERNITY ME ME
I would look to change L3 at least, I am not neccessarly against AAAA but the 3 "ME's" sound cheesy and extremely needy lol.
Think there is a very good song just under this, look forward to the rewrite
Arty
nice sentimental little piece you have here, certainly an emotion everyone can relate to
Few little suggestions
First the storyboard does not really progress (and probably your second verse is the first verse as it gives something about her). The best songs have every section clearly defined as to their part of the narrative, there is too much chorus in the verses and espeacially the bridge for mine. Bridges are really only if you have something new to add or conclude the narrative they do not have to be done for every song.
The chorus end rhyme of ME ENTERNITY ME ME
I would look to change L3 at least, I am not neccessarly against AAAA but the 3 "ME's" sound cheesy and extremely needy lol.
Think there is a very good song just under this, look forward to the rewrite
Arty
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