Tears Of A Woman

Nice write Tony.

A couple of itsy bitsy suggestions  starting with  the chorus.

chorus)
Tears of a woman fall down like rain…...
flooded with emotions I can’t explain---Sounds stronger, makes more sense being sung in first person vs third person (re: this line) Singer has already been injected into song and references himself in lyric.
Carryin the world in each n ev’ry drop  
the tears of a wo-man are hard to stop

bridge)
It hurts me to see her cry, and I feel so helpless      Doesn't sound right with "ly" attached. Not even sure it's grammatically correct.
then I stop and wonder how I can end her mis-er-ees ......whoa…..ohhh    I think you can find a better or stronger sounding word to use than misery

I've never heard of miserees. The plural would be miseries but I still think another word choice sounds better.

Just trying to help  : )

One perspective among many.

Carl

Nice write Tony.

A couple of itsy bitsy suggestions  starting with  the chorus.

chorus)
Tears of a woman fall down like rain…...
flooded with emotions I can’t explain---Sounds stronger, makes more sense being sung in first person vs third person (re: this line) Singer has already been injected into song and references himself in lyric.
Carryin the world in each n ev’ry drop  
the tears of a wo-man are hard to stop

 Hi Carl,

Thanks for all of your well thought out suggestions. I will discuss them with my co-writer-but I am all for changing the lyric in line with your suggestive changes to it. Thanks a whole lot!!!

Tony

Ill wait to see the effect of the changes

 I am left wondering why  she is so miserable.

Depression ?  PMS... ? Just  spent her paycheck  on the slot machines and has no money  for the kids food?

Hi John,

Who can say why a woman does or doesn't do this or that.

Tony

Hi Tony...You have a nice start here.

There are eight lines in your write other than the choruses. Two of them are a bridge. ( "Listeners have no imagination" ~  says Ralph Murphy .) The Chorus / Idea can work, but not by itself. You need a little of who, what when, where and why, other wise the listener is in the dark. You start the song off on a personal note. The first line drags me in.

Sometimes my baby’s happy ,sometimes she’s sad
and when she’s cryin inside that’s when I’m feelin bad.

The second line (which if attached to the first two lines makes a nice verse) It sounds like there's a story coming to me and I think, I hope it's a good one. Then boom, out go the lights. No story. 

These words come from somewhere deep,  there must be  a story attached to them. A listener wants to be emotional involved. You fulfilling their expectations would be nice.

(It would help if you stay with the same pronouns "I  and You"  all through the piece.  They help make the song personal. The use of 'she' this and 'she'  that remove that personal impact on the listener.)

The songs you like you drew you in and kept you listening, right? That's all I'm talikng about here. Good luck with it Tony.

(Just a guy trying to help)

Thats part of our mystery

Hi Gray,

I agree with the points that you have made. Thanks so much for taking the time to offer your worthwhile suggestions. I guess I have to re-write my lyric--but the main thing is to get it right. Thanks again!!!

Tony

Hi G,

Thats part of our mystery

That's so true and it's that mystery that pulls me closer and closer to a woman.

Tony

Hey Tony...You just gave yourself the answer.  Your song is about the mystery of a woman. So write about that.

There is a form of Japenese poetry (a Yugen) that deals with nothing but nuance.  Yūgen means "dim", "deep" or "mysterious". In the criticism of Japanese Waka poetry, it was used to describe the subtle profundity of things that are only vaguely suggested by the poems, Yūgen is said to mean "a profound, mysterious sense of the beauty of the universe ... and the sad beauty of human suffering".

Quick Example:

You're a mysterious woman - And I'm a curious man

I want to get to know you  - I hope you understand

You're mystery draws me to you -is that your only game?

It  doesn't matter - you're the spark that lights my flame.

Hope this helps you a little.

(Just a guy trying to help)

Okay, here's my 2 cents on the lyric.  There are 2 lines written to start the song, then another 2 after a few blank lines, so it looks to me like these are two 2 line verses.  These verses are followed by a 4 line chorus.  It seems to me that all 4 verse lines should be a single verse.  They sound like a single verse when I read them.  So now I think the song needs a second 4 line verse before the chorus.  Here's an opportunity to work in some of the suggestions by Gary and Carl.  I agree with Carl on the word "helplessly" in the bridge.  Using poor grammar to make a line fit the meter is not usually a good idea. 

The bridge ends with a Whoa and an Ohh, which indicates to me that you have a melody already written for this lyric.  I hate messing with someones lyric if it has a melody that I haven't heard because it's easy to write lines that don't fit with the melody.  So at his point I will back off. 

Tim

Hi Gary,

You have given me a few great ideas for re-writing the lyric. Thanks so much for your time.

Tony 

Hi Tim,

I see what you are saying and I like your idea very much so I'll use it. I want to thank you a whole lot for your suggestions!!!

Tony

You got some great suggs here Gary is a Master at words and Tim is an absolutely awesome muso, you must go to

open mic and check his stuff out Blew me away big time!

Hi G,

I will check them out. Thanks!

Tony

Hi Tony,

great lyric and nice melody flow.

What I'm not so sure about is if this song is write in funny or sad mood.

Because the melody flow and some verses seems to me like a funny or cheering up song but the theme and some verses seems to be more sad and melancholic. Maybe hear this song could help me :)

Anyway,

great one!

Cheers

Hugo

Hi Hugo,

My idea was that it be a cheering up song. Thanks a lot of the kudos on the lyric.

Tony