Well now, Hello to everyone.
MAB Ol Buddy, the lyrics you posted earlier, are they from one of your songs??? I recall the line "you could fry an egg with the oil in his hair". That is a good line and it sounds familiar; but I can't recall where I heard it.
RiDawn Raelette, rest at ease the Old Dog would never send a picture; nor embarrass himself (nor you) by showing which pair of underwear I have chosen to travel in and wear to your Commodore performance. However, I don't want the suspense to take your mind off your performance; so I'll tell you when I get there (if you want to know). Ha!!! (just teasin).
Hey Gerald Ol Buddy, good to hear back from you and so happy the Old Dog didn't chase you off. I don't know what kind of work you had to attend to; but the fact you mentioned helping out the community and enjoying the smiles from the kids tells me a lot about you. Welcome to the "good ol boy's club". Not that you are an 'old boy', just you are a 'good ol boy' .
Cousin Nod, good to hear back from you again also. I hope Dad continues to improve and get better. I don't know what you were up to with a visit to Hong Kong; but I would guess you have an invention you are trying to get to the public. I hope it works out for you. Remember your cousin OD when you are flying around the world in a private jet. We won't have to be great songwriters, we will just fly great writers to join us on your privately owned island. We'll hire The MAB to bring in a group of writers from Nashville and we'll all party and write songs for a few days. The Old Dog is on it cousin, I'm in contact with The MAB, now go out there and sell your latest invention to make it all possible.
Ott Ol Buddy, a shout out to you and a thanks for following along. You make some good suggestions and some good points.
KevMo Ol Buddy, I wish you could turn that glass of wine to the upright position (in your avatar). I keep thinking you are going to spill some. Hey, I shared your same thoughts about Philboy's cliche with using the word "jeans" in his song. Good eye on your part.
I do recall one of the songs we just went over "Dirt" having a line about jeans that went "the mud on her jeans that she peeled off and hung up". So I can see why our Philboy went there. The term, in that song, of the jeans she 'peeled off' gave a great visual; like lines in the past about tight fittin jeans, painted on jeans, and all of that.
Philboy, I applaud you once again for working so hard on your lyrics and songs. However, I have to call you out on something. You are writing and re-writing songs solo from your living room. With the exception of a few songs you have shared with us, I don't hear any mention of you asking anyone else (privately) for their opinion. I'm not talking about you trying to include anyone for a co-write, that is up to you (and them), I'm just talking about asking a peer for their opinion. No credit or co-write necessary in doing that.
I'll give you an example. Assume a writer on this forum; or someone giving a NSAI critique; may offer their opinion to help you make the lyric and song better. As you know it's all somewhat subjective and different opinions vary from one writer to another; but all opinions are given with good intensions. It's not about someone wanting to be a co-writer; getting credit; or getting copywrite protection for their suggested lines, as Gerald may be encountering with songwriters in his area. It's just about being a friend and offering some advise. Another thing:
We've learned from The MAB the younger generation almost has a language of their own, and us older guys may miss it. A common term today is "that's bad". Now, to most of us that means that is not good or we need to change something. Today that term 'bad' means good (in some cases) and when you do something bad; it may mean you did something good. Holy crap, that is hard enough for us in the states to keep up with; yet alone our brothers across the sea that are trying to keep up with our slang (Brother JohnW for instance).
This only supports the need for us to write with a younger writer or artist. However, you may solve some of these problems by sending out requests to our peers that may save us with using older terms like "love at first sight" that KevMo picked up on and I think all of us noticed. Your alternative line "never thought love would come in jeans" wasn't bad at all (meaning it may have been good....ha). I give you credit for trying to write something different.
Allow me to give you a suggestion to another set of lines, just to show you how a different writer may try to approach the idea and try to help. Keep in mind I am only making a suggestion and my idea may not work in context of the song you have in mind. I am only offering an attempt trying to stay within the syllable count and hopefully the rhyme scheme you first posted.
I don't know the story behind your song but with the original line of "Never believed in love at first sight" (that line has to go), and your re-write of "Never thought love would come in jeans, the moment that we met" is an improvement. If I had heard a young artist sing that line I would buy into it and probably say "that's a good line".
However, because we are unknown writers and have to be careful, one of us writers (old or young) may suggest you using a different line like: "Never thought love would be wearin jeans, with her design on them". A reference to jeans with a desingers tag on them; also a similar syllable count and rhyme pattern with your original rhyme of 'met' and the new rhyme of 'them' .
Now we enter that 'creep factor' that the MAB spoke of, a younger singer could get away with this line. I don't see anything too creepy about it; but the women and the public would have to decide. This would be a time to run a line past RiDawn Raelette to get her opinion.
An alternative line that leaves the thought of 'jeans' out of the story may be:
"That first time we shared a stare, I saw her innocents"........ or:
"That first time we shared a stare, she hid her innocents"...... something like that.
The idea of "shared a stare" is an internal rhyme and meant to relate to a couple looking around and catching a glimpse of each other; sometimes when their eyes meet, they quickly look away or spend a few seconds before looking away. Those few seconds of eye contact can mean so much (if it happens) and offers an invitation for an introduction. However, that eye contact and delay to look away may mean RiDawn Raelette gets a glimpse of a fat, old man approaching her at the Commodore and wondering "Oh My God, is that fat bastard the Old Dog".
Anyway, I don't know how the line is used in contest to your song; but this would be a similar idea with a close syllable count and rhyme pattern with your original line of 'met' and the new line with 'innocents' .
Anyway, no ideas you may like or want to go with; I'm just sayin to write to your peers on the Ramp and get some suggestions before you use up your critiques on NSAI. If you would like the Old Dog's opinion on anything (except how to get along with women), I would be happy to help. Email me at: sharri42@columbus.rr.com (I would be happy to help if I can).
Everyone is welcome to email for my opinion; but would have to be willing to take my suggestions with a grain of insult.......
(I mean salt).
OD