Philboy, you asked for my opinion and when I gave it, you come back with all kinds of explainations and excuses.
If you intended your song to be considered a folksie type song in the style of Guy Clark then say so. I'm a fan of Guy Clark's music and many others story tellers that wrote in that style. I didn't realize that was how your lyrics were to be taken.
Look, we both have studied today's popular song's and tried to figure out what elements they have to make them hit's on the radio (you far more than me). We also both know there is room for songs that were not written to become considered for a main stream hit; but have an appeal to a smaller audience in a niche market.
Your song would fit into that niche market; but also carry on your good story; but you have to shorten it up and clean it up a little to keep it interesting and not drag on to become boring to the listener; especially before you get to the chorus.
Hey, you can write a song to sound like an old Gene Autry or Roy Rogers song if you want to. But realize if you ask me to comment, I won't know you intended for your song to sound like an old Gene Autry song unless you tell me.
OD