Shine On Me (New Version & Original)

This is the second version of Shine on Me I wrote.  I'd like to know your thoughts on whether this works better as an envisioned inspirational tune than the original. Some of you thought the original is inspirational but I am mainly interested to know which is the stronger write of the two and which you prefer if you had to pick between them.

Constructive comments welcome on anything you see, word or meter wise that you might have an issue with.

New version is on top and below it is the original which is also posted here on the writer's room thread. Made a change there in the chorus thanks to a point made from Kristi Mc.

One final note** I am not an inspirational writer but I wanted to challenge myself with something outside an area I usually write within or about. So many ugly things going on in the world and a little spiritualism I feel can be uplifting in a world crying out for something.

Shine On Me  (New Version)

Verse 1

When I search the world and I can't find     

My way through life on this uphill climb

Through the clouds I see your guiding light

Inspiring me to reach new heights

You lift me up and show you're near

In this world, my faith is clear

Chorus

Shine on me

When I'm lost in the crowd

Shine on me

When true love can't be found

I've never doubted you are real

My belief in you helps me to heal

With you there's peace and no more fear

Shine your light on me I'm here

Verse2

In times of need when a friend is far

When I'm sad or blue, or my heart is scarred

You come to me like a star at night

Showing the way to make things right

You give me hope and help me see

The best there is deep in me

Chorus

Shine on me

When I'm lost in the crowd

Shine on me

When true love can't be found

I've never doubted you are real

My belief in you helps me to heal

With you there's peace and no more fear

Shine your light on me I'm here

Verse3

Through the highs and lows you still remain

Comforting me when I'm bowed in pain

From my beginning until my end

You're always there just like a friend

The road ahead may be unknown

But with you, I'm not alone

Chorus

Shine on me

When I'm lost in the crowd

Shine on me

When true love can't be found

I've never doubted  you are real

My belief in you helps me to heal

With you there's peace and no more fear

Shine your light on me I'm here

Shine On Me  (Original Version)   Modifications/changes from original posting here at the ramp are in blue and in the chorus.

(Verse 1)

When I search the world and can't find

My way through life in an uphill climb

Through the clouds I see your shining light

Giving me hope to reach new heights

You lift me up and show me how

To enjoy life and stand proud

(Chorus)

Shine on me

When I'm lost in the crowd

Shine on me

When true love can't be found

With you my love, I've found my place------ I've reached a place

I feel at peace filled with grace Where there is peace within my space

My world has changed since you've come in

Shine your light on me again

(Verse 2)

In times of need when friends are far

If sad or blue and my heart is scarred

You come to me like a star at night

Showing the way to make things right

You build me up and help to free

The best that's locked deep in me

(Chorus)

Shine on me

When I'm lost in the crowd

Shine on me

When true love can't be found

With you my love, I've found my place------ I've reached a place

I feel at peace filled with grace---------------Where there is peace within my space

My world has changed since you've come in

Shine your light on me again

(Verse 3)

Between highs and lows you remain

Comforting me with nothing to gain

If I lost your love I would not know

How I'd survive or where to go

You're always near when times get tough

With your love, I won't give up

(Chorus)

Shine on me

When I'm lost in the crowd

Shine on me

When true love can't be found

With you my love, I've found my place---------- I've reached a place

I feel at peace filled with grace--------------Where there is peace within my space

My world has changed since you've come in

Shine your light on me again

Original copyright 2010

Revisions & additional copyrights 2012-2013

Updated version of original  and alternate newer version 2014 & 2015

Carl B

I really like these lyrics. Very well written. I am so happy you made it easy to see what you changed. It made comparing easier.

Nice job. I like the way you write.

Peggy B.

Thank you Peggy! Glad you like both versions.

Carl

Hi Carl,

Beautiful sentiment, I do prefer your revised one. I wouldn't change anything. Love it.

Thanks, Gwyneth!

I prefer the new version, Carl.  A couple of suggestions below. KOS.

Donna

Shine On Me  (New Version)

Verse 1

When I search the world and I can't find

 My way through life on this uphill climb

 Through the clouds I see your guiding light

 Inspiring me to reach new heights

 You lift me up and show you're near

 In this world, my faith is clear

Chorus

Shine on me

When I'm lost in the crowd

Shine on me

When true love can't be found

Even though some doubt you are real

My belief in you helps me to heal

With you there's peace and no more fear

Shine your light on me I'm here

Verse2

In times of need when a friend is far

When I'm sad or blue, or my heart is scarred

You come to me like a star at night

Showing the way to make things right

You give me hope and help me see

The best there is deep in me

Chorus

Verse3

Through the highs and lows you still remain

Comforting me with when I'm bowed in pain       Keep focus on singer.

From the beginning until the end

When the journey will then transcend   Sense not clear.

The road ahead may be unknown

But with you, I'm not alone

Chorus

Hi, Donna!

I like your suggestions and have incorporated them into the new version of Shine on Me. Thank you!

I agree the 4th line of the 3rd verse using 'transcend' might be unclear and or weak. I'll have to think about this line. Open to suggestions.

Thanks again!

Carl

Hi Carl,

I'll chime in and say I vote for your newer version. Very nice. There is one line that, every time I read it, I get hung up. In the chorus, "Even though some doubt you are real". I think it's the metering but also, the word "some"...but maybe when sung, it'd be okay. Or you could say, "Though others may doubt you are real" or something like that.

For the line you asked for suggestions on....content-wise, if you're talking about extending beyond what we know of life here on earth, maybe go back to having faith, like you mention at the end of v1 (for this world).

So, you could say "My faith takes hold of me again"...as you're propelled into the future and in the next line, with the addition of a conjunction...something like, "Though the road ahead may be unknown." 

Hope this makes sense and something here is helpful!

Kristi

Great suggestions, Kristi!

I've already made the changes to that line in the chorus you suggested I change. You're right it was a little bumby. Hope it's better now! : )

Still thinking about how to re-word the transcend line in the 3rd verse.  Keep you posted.

Thanks for your help!

Carl

Carl,

Certainly some writing going with a great inspirational feel to them.

Would like to make some suggestions re this which may help with future rewrites etc.

The rhyme scheme, AA,BB,CC set of three rhyming couplets in the verse which is then repeated in the chorus as well.

Differentiating verse and chorus is normally recommended, especially when viewed against a story line which essentially doesn't move in telling us how inspirational the other makes us feel, compounded even more with a VCVCVC structure.

would definitely recommend V3 at least be modified into a bridge with a something new within to keep the listener interested. Robin Fredericks is writing some very interesting articles aboutnhow modern Pop songs are structured to create interest and movement (can't stand the songs but the techniques are Interesting  lol)

Good luck with this

arty

Arty,

I'll keep in mind your suggestions re: the rhyme scheme. I was aware of that but your point about differentiating verse and chorus is noted especially when the story doesn't move. I'd be interested to see how others think about the 3rd verse vs a bridge but I will consider what you've said. Digest the idea and potential first.

Thank you!

Carl

Great suggs from the Rampers. This is starting to look great!

Nice work going on here :) 

A possible take on the transcend line in verse three-

From the beginning until the end 

My faith in You I will defend


Don't know if you want to go that direction, but it's a thought. :) 

carl

agree with Kirsti on the you are real   line    this is mt 2 cents

maybe 

I have never doubted you are real

my belief in you helps me hea[

with you there is peace

so shine yoyr light on me

also on the trancend line could you flip it

right there with me my best firend

from the begining to the end

Hi, Sheila!

I like your suggestion. The only thing I'm not comfortable with is repeating the word 'faith' (New Version). Already have 'faith' in the last line of the 1st verse there.   I try to avoid repeating words if I can. Use of the word 'defend' is good. Hmm. Let me think on it.  Again, great suggestion.

Thank you

Carl   : )

John,

I'm fiddling around with the suggestions you made. Like em'. See below

 Chorus

 Shine on me

When I'm lost in the crowd

 Shine on me

 When true love can't be found

 Even though others doubt you're real    I've never doubted that you're real       (Hmm   John, I like your idea. Let me think on it. : ) Sounds stronger, any takers?

My belief in you helps me to heal

 With you there's peace and no more fear

 Shine your light on me I'm here

 Giving thought to the transcend line in verse 3 and using friend in place but then I contemplate whether God and friend go together.

Any thoughts out there?  : )

John, Thanks for your input!

Carl,

I had a thought that goes along with what John said. Instead of including "others" in the chorus, keep it singular, to the person to keep it personal..."I have never doubted..."

You could even change it up and focus on evolving (feel) as opposed to the authenticity (real):

When I don't know how to feel

My belief in you helps me to heal

But you mention feelings in the following verse, so I don't know.

A thought about the V3 line: Thinking about it, the line before it, "from the beginning to the end..." I wonder if there is an end? Just sayin', as you could put another word in there and get yourself a different rhyme for the next line that is bothersome!

Just a thought!

Kristi

Hi Carl

Just an idea for that line.

"Though others may doubt you are real"

 You have some good imagery in this and the chorus is good

I thought these lines "From the beginning until the end When the journey will then transcend" seemed out of place in the verse so I twiddled a bit.

Through the highs and lows you still remain

You comfort me when I'm bowed in pain

The road ahead may be unknown

With you in my heart, I'm not alone

From my begining and until I end

until the time I transcend

This would also lead in to the chorus! until the time comes "Shine on me"

I am not suggesting that you use what I have wrote but it may spark ideas for you.

I had a couple of others but I dont want to bombard you LOL!

Good Luck with this.

All the best

Les

Kristi -  Great suggestions and thanks for coming back to help out! I think I am going to go with a combo of John's original thought together with yours  on the line in question in the chorus.

Shine on me

When I'm lost in the crowd

 Shine on me

When true love can't be found

I've never doubted you are real

My belief in you helps me to heal

With you there's peace and no more fear

 Shine your light on me I'm here

Hi, Les!

Thanks for sharing your ideas. I like them and I'm giving thought to your suggestion on the transcend line in verse 3.

Let me think about it.  : )

Carl

Hi Carl,

Here's another suggestion for the "transcend" line,

"the strength in me is heaven sent"    or    "the strength I need is heaven sent"

Oh & I prefer the revised version :)

Alan

Hi, Alan

Thanks for your suggestions. I'll keep them in mind. I may end up changing the line above the transcend line in verse 3 in which case I would change the rhyming there. Just a thought I've been thinking about.

Thanks again for commenting

Carl

Hi Carl, I'm new here but I will giuve my two cents anyway. I like the revised version and thought I would throw out a line for your third verse 

Verse3

Through the highs and lows you still remain

Comforting me when I'm bowed in pain.....  Comforting me through all the pain 

From the beginning until the end

When the journey will then transcend------  Together in this journey we will transcend

The road ahead may be unknown

But with you, I'm not alone

Just a suggestion

I definately like the revised version, it seemed to have more imagery to it  and I thought the song had a better flow to the words. just my thoughts.

Larry,

Giving thought to your suggestion on line 2 of verse 3. Though I tend to like Donna's "bowed in pain" suggestion too. : )

As for the 4th line in the same verse, I'm pretty much going to remove transcend once I find a replacement I'm comfortable with  that works.

Thanks for your suggestions!

Carl