Carl B

This is the second version of Shine on Me I wrote.  I'd like to know your thoughts on whether this works better as an envisioned inspirational tune than the original. Some of you thought the original is inspirational but I am mainly interested to know which is the stronger write of the two and which you prefer if you had to pick between them.


Constructive comments welcome on anything you see, word or meter wise that you might have an issue with.


New version is on top and below it is the original which is also posted here on the writer's room thread. Made a change there in the chorus thanks to a point made from Kristi Mc.


One final note** I am not an inspirational writer but I wanted to challenge myself with something outside an area I usually write within or about. So many ugly things going on in the world and a little spiritualism I feel can be uplifting in a world crying out for something.


 


 


 


Shine On Me  (New Version)


Verse 1


When I search the world and I can't find     


My way through life on this uphill climb


Through the clouds I see your guiding light


Inspiring me to reach new heights


You lift me up and show you're near


In this world, my faith is clear


 


Chorus


Shine on me


When I'm lost in the crowd


Shine on me


When true love can't be found


I've never doubted you are real


My belief in you helps me to heal


With you there's peace and no more fear


Shine your light on me I'm here


 


Verse2


In times of need when a friend is far


When I'm sad or blue, or my heart is scarred


You come to me like a star at night


Showing the way to make things right


You give me hope and help me see


The best there is deep in me


 


Chorus


Shine on me


When I'm lost in the crowd


Shine on me


When true love can't be found


I've never doubted you are real


My belief in you helps me to heal


With you there's peace and no more fear


Shine your light on me I'm here


 


Verse3


Through the highs and lows you still remain


Comforting me when I'm bowed in pain


From my beginning until my end


You're always there just like a friend


The road ahead may be unknown


But with you, I'm not alone


 


Chorus


Shine on me


When I'm lost in the crowd


Shine on me


When true love can't be found


I've never doubted  you are real


My belief in you helps me to heal


With you there's peace and no more fear


Shine your light on me I'm here


 


Shine On Me  (Original Version)   Modifications/changes from original posting here at the ramp are in blue and in the chorus.


 


(Verse 1)


 


When I search the world and can't find


 


My way through life in an uphill climb


 


Through the clouds I see your shining light


 


Giving me hope to reach new heights


 


You lift me up and show me how


 


To enjoy life and stand proud


 


 


 


(Chorus)


 


Shine on me


 


When I'm lost in the crowd


 


Shine on me


 


When true love can't be found


 


With you my love, I've found my place------ I've reached a place


 


I feel at peace filled with grace Where there is peace within my space


 


My world has changed since you've come in


 


Shine your light on me again


 


 


 


(Verse 2)


 


In times of need when friends are far


 


If sad or blue and my heart is scarred


 


You come to me like a star at night


 


Showing the way to make things right


 


You build me up and help to free


 


The best that's locked deep in me


 


 


 


 


 


(Chorus)


 


Shine on me


 


When I'm lost in the crowd


 


Shine on me


 


When true love can't be found


 


With you my love, I've found my place------ I've reached a place


 


I feel at peace filled with grace---------------Where there is peace within my space


 


My world has changed since you've come in


 


Shine your light on me again


 


 


 


(Verse 3)


 


Between highs and lows you remain


 


Comforting me with nothing to gain


 


If I lost your love I would not know


 


How I'd survive or where to go


 


You're always near when times get tough


 


With your love, I won't give up


 


 


 


(Chorus)


 


Shine on me


 


When I'm lost in the crowd


 


Shine on me


 


When true love can't be found


 


With you my love, I've found my place---------- I've reached a place


 


I feel at peace filled with grace--------------Where there is peace within my space


 


My world has changed since you've come in


 


Shine your light on me again


 


 


 


Original copyright 2010


 


Revisions & additional copyrights 2012-2013


Updated version of original  and alternate newer version 2014 & 2015


 


Carl B


 


 


 

Peggy Burnham
#1

I really like these lyrics. Very well written. I am so happy you made it easy to see what you changed. It made comparing easier.


Nice job. I like the way you write.


Peggy B.

Carl B
#2

Thank you Peggy! Glad you like both versions.


 


Carl

Gwyneth Rose Bradley
#3

Hi Carl,


Beautiful sentiment, I do prefer your revised one. I wouldn't change anything. Love it.

Carl B
#4

Thanks, Gwyneth!

Donna Devine
#5

I prefer the new version, Carl.  A couple of suggestions below. KOS. smile


 


Donna




Shine On Me  (New Version)


 


Verse 1


 


When I search the world and I can't find


 My way through life on this uphill climb


 Through the clouds I see your guiding light


 Inspiring me to reach new heights


 You lift me up and show you're near


 In this world, my faith is clear


 


 


 


Chorus


 


Shine on me


When I'm lost in the crowd


Shine on me


When true love can't be found


Even though some doubt you are real


My belief in you helps me to heal


With you there's peace and no more fear


Shine your light on me I'm here


 


Verse2


In times of need when a friend is far


When I'm sad or blue, or my heart is scarred


You come to me like a star at night


Showing the way to make things right


You give me hope and help me see


The best there is deep in me


 


Chorus


 


Verse3


Through the highs and lows you still remain


Comforting me with when I'm bowed in pain       Keep focus on singer.


From the beginning until the end


When the journey will then transcend   Sense not clear.


The road ahead may be unknown


But with you, I'm not alone


 


Chorus

Carl B
#6

Hi, Donna!


I like your suggestions and have incorporated them into the new version of Shine on Me. Thank you!


I agree the 4th line of the 3rd verse using 'transcend' might be unclear and or weak. I'll have to think about this line. Open to suggestions.


Thanks again!


 


Carl

Kristi McKeever
#7

Hi Carl,


 


I'll chime in and say I vote for your newer version. Very nice. There is one line that, every time I read it, I get hung up. In the chorus, "Even though some doubt you are real". I think it's the metering but also, the word "some"...but maybe when sung, it'd be okay. Or you could say, "Though others may doubt you are real" or something like that.


 


For the line you asked for suggestions on....content-wise, if you're talking about extending beyond what we know of life here on earth, maybe go back to having faith, like you mention at the end of v1 (for this world).


 


So, you could say "My faith takes hold of me again"...as you're propelled into the future and in the next line, with the addition of a conjunction...something like, "Though the road ahead may be unknown." 


 


Hope this makes sense and something here is helpful!


 


Kristi

Carl B
#8

Great suggestions, Kristi!


I've already made the changes to that line in the chorus you suggested I change. You're right it was a little bumby. Hope it's better now! : )


Still thinking about how to re-word the transcend line in the 3rd verse.  Keep you posted.


Thanks for your help!


 


Carl

Arty Redsocks
#9

Carl,


Certainly some writing going with a great inspirational feel to them.


 


Would like to make some suggestions re this which may help with future rewrites etc.


The rhyme scheme, AA,BB,CC set of three rhyming couplets in the verse which is then repeated in the chorus as well.


 


 


Differentiating verse and chorus is normally recommended, especially when viewed against a story line which essentially doesn't move in telling us how inspirational the other makes us feel, compounded even more with a VCVCVC structure.


 


would definitely recommend V3 at least be modified into a bridge with a something new within to keep the listener interested. Robin Fredericks is writing some very interesting articles aboutnhow modern Pop songs are structured to create interest and movement (can't stand the songs but the techniques are Interesting  lol)


 


Good luck with this


 


arty


 


 

Carl B
#10

Arty,


I'll keep in mind your suggestions re: the rhyme scheme. I was aware of that but your point about differentiating verse and chorus is noted especially when the story doesn't move. I'd be interested to see how others think about the 3rd verse vs a bridge but I will consider what you've said. Digest the idea and potential first.


 


Thank you!


Carl

Gwyneth Rose Bradley
#11

Great suggs from the Rampers. This is starting to look great!

Sheila Kaufman
#12

Nice work going on here :) 


 


A possible take on the transcend line in verse three-

From the beginning until the end 


My faith in You I will defend


Don't know if you want to go that direction, but it's a thought. :) 

john morrison
#13

carl


agree with Kirsti on the you are real   line    this is mt 2 cents


maybe 


I have never doubted you are real


my belief in you helps me hea[


with you there is peace


so shine yoyr light on me


 


also on the trancend line could you flip it


right there with me my best firend


from the begining to the end


 


 

Carl B
#14

Hi, Sheila!


I like your suggestion. The only thing I'm not comfortable with is repeating the word 'faith' (New Version). Already have 'faith' in the last line of the 1st verse there.   I try to avoid repeating words if I can. Use of the word 'defend' is good. Hmm. Let me think on it.  Again, great suggestion.


Thank you


 


Carl   : )

Carl B
#15

John,


 


I'm fiddling around with the suggestions you made. Like em'. See below


 Chorus


 Shine on me


When I'm lost in the crowd


 Shine on me


 When true love can't be found


 Even though others doubt you're real    I've never doubted that you're real       (Hmm   John, I like your idea. Let me think on it. : ) Sounds stronger, any takers?


My belief in you helps me to heal


 With you there's peace and no more fear


 Shine your light on me I'm here


 Giving thought to the transcend line in verse 3 and using friend in place but then I contemplate whether God and friend go together.


 


Any thoughts out there?  : )


 


John, Thanks for your input!

Kristi McKeever
#16

Carl,


 


I had a thought that goes along with what John said. Instead of including "others" in the chorus, keep it singular, to the person to keep it personal..."I have never doubted..."


 


You could even change it up and focus on evolving (feel) as opposed to the authenticity (real):


 


When I don't know how to feel


My belief in you helps me to heal


 


But you mention feelings in the following verse, so I don't know.


 


A thought about the V3 line: Thinking about it, the line before it, "from the beginning to the end..." I wonder if there is an end? Just sayin', as you could put another word in there and get yourself a different rhyme for the next line that is bothersome! Wink


 


Just a thought!


 


Kristi

Les Service
#17

Hi Carl


 


Just an idea for that line.


"Though others may doubt you are real"


 You have some good imagery in this and the chorus is good


I thought these lines "From the beginning until the end When the journey will then transcend" seemed out of place in the verse so I twiddled a bit.


 


Through the highs and lows you still remain


You comfort me when I'm bowed in pain


The road ahead may be unknown


With you in my heart, I'm not alone


From my begining and until I end


until the time I transcend


 


 


This would also lead in to the chorus! until the time comes "Shine on me"


I am not suggesting that you use what I have wrote but it may spark ideas for you.


I had a couple of others but I dont want to bombard you LOL!


 


Good Luck with this.


All the best


 


Les



Carl B
#18

Kristi -  Great suggestions and thanks for coming back to help out! I think I am going to go with a combo of John's original thought together with yours  on the line in question in the chorus.


Shine on me


When I'm lost in the crowd


 Shine on me


When true love can't be found


I've never doubted you are real


My belief in you helps me to heal


With you there's peace and no more fear


 Shine your light on me I'm here


 


 

Carl B
#19

Hi, Les!


 


Thanks for sharing your ideas. I like them and I'm giving thought to your suggestion on the transcend line in verse 3.


Let me think about it.  : )


 


 


Carl


 

ALAN TRICKETT
#20

Hi Carl,


 


Here's another suggestion for the "transcend" line,


 


"the strength in me is heaven sent"    or    "the strength I need is heaven sent"


 


Oh & I prefer the revised version :)


 


Alan

Carl B
#21

Hi, Alan


Thanks for your suggestions. I'll keep them in mind. I may end up changing the line above the transcend line in verse 3 in which case I would change the rhyming there. Just a thought I've been thinking about.


Thanks again for commenting


 


Carl

Larry Winemiller
#22

Hi Carl, I'm new here but I will giuve my two cents anyway. I like the revised version and thought I would throw out a line for your third verse 


Verse3


 


Through the highs and lows you still remain


 


Comforting me when I'm bowed in pain.....  Comforting me through all the pain 


 


From the beginning until the end


 


When the journey will then transcend------  Together in this journey we will transcend


 


The road ahead may be unknown


 


But with you, I'm not alone


 


Just a suggestion

Robert   Geyer
#23

I definately like the revised version, it seemed to have more imagery to it  and I thought the song had a better flow to the words. just my thoughts.

Carl B
#24


Hi Carl, I'm new here but I will giuve my two cents anyway. I like the revised version and thought I would throw out a line for your third verse 


Verse3


 


Through the highs and lows you still remain


 


Comforting me when I'm bowed in pain.....  Comforting me through all the pain 


 


From the beginning until the end


 


When the journey will then transcend------  Together in this journey we will transcend


 


The road ahead may be unknown


 


But with you, I'm not alone


 


Just a suggestion



 


Larry,


Giving thought to your suggestion on line 2 of verse 3. Though I tend to like Donna's "bowed in pain" suggestion too. : )


As for the 4th line in the same verse, I'm pretty much going to remove transcend once I find a replacement I'm comfortable with  that works.


Thanks for your suggestions!


Carl