Hi, folks.  My first post here.  This is a work in progress, and I'm looking for any and all comments.  Thanks for your time!  This is just a home demo for now.  I tend to think that it is hard to critique lyrics without hearing the music, so I've posted a link to my work tape below the lyrics.  Thanks!


If Only We Knew Why


Words and Music by David Sanchez


 


Verse 1


Lay down your arms tonight


Let's do no harm tonight


We can end this war before love dies


 


Why do we scream like this


Don't end our dream like this


I can't bear the anger in your eyes


 


Chorus


Why, baby, why?


Why do we fight


It's time we learned to foregive


Darling, try, we can try


No, we can't deny that our love still lives


If only we knew why


 


Verse 3


Spring may be over now


We both are older now


I still believe that we can start anew


 


Repeat Chorus

Attachments
Gwyneth Rose Bradley
#1

Wow David, this blew me away. It is awesome. In my humble opinion,....Don't change a single thing!!!


I had no idea you were this talented. Voz, lovely melody so well suited, great  instrumentals, the whole enchilada.


You are amazing. Just loved this. It sounds radio ready to me Happy Bravo!!!


 

Carl B
#2

Hi, David


Your vocal performance is great, very powerful and breathes new life into your lyric in my opinion. With just reading the lyric before listening to your tape, I agree it would be difficult to critique the words alone. Don't misunderstand me, I think the words are good but at first glance I thought they weren't very descriptive in the way of images or details to a story other than the singer is looking to save a relationship that has problems.


It sounds like a heartfelt cry or appeal to another person before it is too late to save what is left of what two people once had.  Perhaps tears or teardrops instead of anger in the 3rd line of the 2nd verse to evoke or llustrate the feeling, the conflict, the frustration rather than just plain out saying; "I can't bear the anger in your eyes".   Something that shows rather than tells us the feeling or mood. Something that suggests the emotion rather than directly says it.


The only other thing that sticks out is 'darling' in the chorus.  It's so cliche and besides it seems inappropriate in the context of the anguish and emotional appeal of the singer to be using a term of endearment like this, when it sounds like a lot of heartache is still going on and healing needs to occur before referring to the significant other as 'darling' once again. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I don't have a suggestion as a replacement for 'darling', but I would consider another word.


I'm sure others might see it differently. Just my thoughts of course. Use or lose my suggestions as you see fit. 


One final note -  We have a new rule here in the writer's room. I hope you'll help us with it.  We ask that you review two other lyrics in writer's room for every lyric you post to be reviewed.  Who knows you might get a few of the other members to give their thoughts on your lyric and song in doing so.


 


Look forward to hearing more of your songs!


 


Carl

David Sanchez
#3

Thanks so much for your comments, Gwyneth and Carl!  Gwyneth, you made my day!  I'm so glad you like the song.


Carl, I will think very seriously about what you've said.  This certainly is a work in progress, and the suggestions you made are really helpful.


I LOVE that rule re: commenting on others' lyrics, and I will follow it.  That is the way to build community.


 


D

Dale Crockett
#4

Nice job, here, David!  You're one of the more prolific writers here on the Ramp who have offered great songs, and this one is no exception!!  From a performance aspect, your vocal is very nice, and sits very nice "in the pocket" , as far as the mix between the accompaniment and vocal.  


As I listened to this, I couldn't help but think how the melody and chords makes the song sound like it could lend itself well to a musical play, especially with just a piano accompaniment, as you have it here. At least to me, the chords and melody are a bit reminiscent of some of the tunes I've heard from the soundtrack to "Phantom Of The Opera."  Not a bad thing!!  :) 


I do agree with Carl in regards to the word "darling" in the chorus, though.  It's right up there with "dear" - pretty "old-fashioned" terms of endearment. You also used the word "anew" - again, an "old fashioned" sounding word.  Words like that tend to "date'' a song and could work against it, especially in today's song market.  Maybe substitute "darling" with something more "contemporary", such as "babe", or even "baby".  Just a suggestion. 


I also agree with Carl in regards to the word "anger" in the third line of Verse 2.  I think that using "tears" instead of "anger" provides stronger imagery, and makes that line emotionally stronger.  Of course, you could maybe have "the best of both worlds" and say "angry tears" (if it will flow smoothly). Just my own personal thought, though.  As they say, "keep it or sweep it." 


 

Gerald Wiebe
#5

 I like this David, though I agree with the previous comments. 'Darling' doesn't work for me either. I'd suggest that using 'Baby' in its place could be too repetitive. Don't know if 'Honey' is too dated. Been calling my missus that for a lot of years....maybe it is dated...lol.


I like 'tears' instead of 'anger' as well. Anger is too aggressive word for the more gentle pleading of the rest of the song.


 


FWIW


 

Gwyneth Rose Bradley
#6

Hi David,


Well,  if you are thinking about changing the term of endearment  "Darling"... how about, "My Babe" or  "Princess"?


In my humble opinion, I think Anger fits nicely,  because right off the bat, this is a song about an ongoing war in the


failing relationship.

David Sanchez
#7

HI, Dale!  Thanks for the listen and encouragement.  I changed things a bit on the song, so now I don't use "Darling" (the revised version is at the same link that I originally posted.  I do note, though, that, if I were British, I'd probably get away with it!  Lol!  Actually, there's a British singer named Sam Smith, who has a massive hit called "Stay with Me," where he says "Darling" in the chorus.  However, he could sing the list of ingredients from an energy drink, and it would work.


Nice job, here, David!  You're one of the more prolific writers here on the Ramp who have offered great songs, and this one is no exception!!  From a performance aspect, your vocal is very nice, and sits very nice "in the pocket" , as far as the mix between the accompaniment and vocal.  


As I listened to this, I couldn't help but think how the melody and chords makes the song sound like it could lend itself well to a musical play, especially with just a piano accompaniment, as you have it here. At least to me, the chords and melody are a bit reminiscent of some of the tunes I've heard from the soundtrack to "Phantom Of The Opera."  Not a bad thing!!  :) 


I do agree with Carl in regards to the word "darling" in the chorus, though.  It's right up there with "dear" - pretty "old-fashioned" terms of endearment. You also used the word "anew" - again, an "old fashioned" sounding word.  Words like that tend to "date'' a song and could work against it, especially in today's song market.  Maybe substitute "darling" with something more "contemporary", such as "babe", or even "baby".  Just a suggestion. 


I also agree with Carl in regards to the word "anger" in the third line of Verse 2.  I think that using "tears" instead of "anger" provides stronger imagery, and makes that line emotionally stronger.  Of course, you could maybe have "the best of both worlds" and say "angry tears" (if it will flow smoothly). Just my own personal thought, though.  As they say, "keep it or sweep it." 


 


David Sanchez
#8

Thank you, Gerald!  I'm trying "sadness" in her eyes, for now.  It does feel softer.

Gerald Wiebe said...


 I like this David, though I agree with the previous comments. 'Darling' doesn't work for me either. I'd suggest that using 'Baby' in its place could be too repetitive. Don't know if 'Honey' is too dated. Been calling my missus that for a lot of years....maybe it is dated...lol.


I like 'tears' instead of 'anger' as well. Anger is too aggressive word for the more gentle pleading of the rest of the song.


 


FWIW


 


David Sanchez
#9

Hi, Gwyneth.  Well, I'm playing around with some alternatives, which can be heard at that same link.  Anger did seem to fit the theme better, but I'm playing around with sadness for now to see how it works.  Thanks!


Hi David,


Well,  if you are thinking about changing the term of endearment  "Darling"... how about, "My Babe" or  "Princess"?


In my humble opinion, I think Anger fits nicely,  because right off the bat, this is a song about an ongoing war in the


failing relationship.


Gwyneth Rose Bradley
#10

Cool David, give us the heads up when it's ready for a listen Happy

David Sanchez
#11

OK, here's a revised version, in a very different direction, as an expiriment.  Thanks everyone for your comments!


If Only We Knew Why


Words and Music by David Sanchez


 


Verse 1


 


Why do we scream like this


Don't end our dreams like this


I can't bear the anger in your eyes


 


Lay down your arms tonight


Let's do no more harm tonight


We must end this war before love dies


 


Chorus


Why, tell me, why?


Why do we fight


It's time we learned to forgive


Baby, try, we can try


No, we can't deny that our love still lives


If only we knew why


 


Verse 3


The dawn is breaking now


Where is love taking us now


Is there time to find what we have lost?


 


Repeat Chorus

Attachments
Chris Erhardt
#12

This is a great song. It's work in progress, but the progress you made is great! The chord progression is awesome and give the entire song a great mood and feel. Keep us updated on the production and let us have a listen to produced version of the song!

Gwyneth Rose Bradley
#13

I'm loving this David. It's awesome.. Are you still going to make some more revisions to it?

David Sanchez
#14

Hey, thanks, Christian!  I really appreciate the thumbs up and the time you took to listen!



This is a great song. It's work in progress, but the progress you made is great! The chord progression is awesome and give the entire song a great mood and feel. Keep us updated on the production and let us have a listen to produced version of the song!


David Sanchez
#15

Thank you, Gwyneth!  I'm constantly in re-write mode, so I rarely feel that my songs are finished.  On this one, I'm definitely still working on it and won't be ready to send it to anyone to demo for a bit.  I've already thought of some extra words to delete to improve its singability.  For example, while "do no more harm tonight" conveys the meaning I want, I think I need to drop "more," so that it feels better to sing.



I'm loving this David. It's awesome.. Are you still going to make some more revisions to it?


john morrison
#16

David really like the  sound , and the singing  great  job


 


john

David Sanchez
#17

Thank you, John!

Scott Metro
#18

You always do great work David...this is no exception.


Ler 'er rip...


Scott

David Sanchez
#19

Thank you, Scott!  I've been tweaking the home work tape to see what inspiration it gives me for the final pro demo.  A friend told me I should try some Spanish lyrics, which I might try.


Scott Metro said...


You always do great work David...this is no exception.


Ler 'er rip...


Scott


Gwyneth Rose Bradley
#20

Hi David.


Spanish lyrics?  Love Spanish and I can personally recommend


"Pablo Neruda" as one of the most famous Spanish Poets ever!


 


Here's an extract from his "Tonight I can Write".....


"


Tonight I can write the saddest lines


 


Write, for example, "The night is shattered


and the blue stars shiver in the distance.


The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.


Tonight I can write the saddes lines.


I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too."


 


Spanish


"


Puedo Escribir Los Versos....


 


Puedo escribir los versos ma's trites est  noche.


 


Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche est' estrellada,


y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos".


 


El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.


 


Peudo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche.


yo las  quise, y a veces ella tambien me quiso."


 


Hmmmm Don't you love it!

David Sanchez
#21

That is beautiful, Gwyneth!  Pablo Neruda is a wonderful poet.  The English translation is good, but there's something about Spanish that is so poetic.  I actually did write a song partially in English and in Spanish, called "Without Words," or "Sin Palabras."  If you care to take a listen, here it is:  https://soundcloud.com/david-sanchez-songwriter/without-words-sin-palabras


 


Are you fluent in Spanish?


 


D



Hi David.


Spanish lyrics?  Love Spanish and I can personally recommend


"Pablo Neruda" as one of the most famous Spanish Poets ever!


 


Here's an extract from his "Tonight I can Write".....


"


Tonight I can write the saddest lines


 


Write, for example, "The night is shattered


and the blue stars shiver in the distance.


The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.


Tonight I can write the saddes lines.


I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too."


 


Spanish


"


Puedo Escribir Los Versos....


 


Puedo escribir los versos ma's trites est  noche.


 


Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche est' estrellada,


y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos".


 


El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.


 


Peudo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche.


yo las  quise, y a veces ella tambien me quiso."


 


Hmmmm Don't you love it!


Gwyneth Rose Bradley
#22

Isn't it just David? Glad you know his works too Happy


 


Oh my Goodness that is just beautiful - Thanks for sharing, love it!


 


I've studied Spanish for a few years and converse in Spanish with a couple of


Spanish penpals Happy so I can get by with the Spanish I've learned, but it's far from fluent


I'm learning all the time.


 

Arty Redsocks
#23

David.


As one who comes from the lyric view point first, I my be strange but I prefer to read the lyric first, lyrics are my passion.


 


No doubt this is working for you and the listeners, just as an excercise. I did a little rewrite to remove the perfect perfect rhyme this and this , tonight and tonight, just one of my pet peaves along with singers announcing the name of the song they are about to play and then the first line IS THE TITTLE.


 


Did preserve them in V1 and V2 in a different way. YOURS TO DO WITH AS YOU WISH, just an enjoyable excercise for me


 


 


Verse 1


Why do we scream like this


Don't end our dreams tonight


I can't bear the anger in our lives


 


Verse 2


Can we stop doing this?


Let's do no more harm tonight


‘N’ hope we change this in our lives


 


 


Chorus


Why, tell me, why?


Why do we fight


It's time we both learned to forgive


Baby, try, we can try


Can you deny our love survives?


Can you deny our love survives?


 


Verse 3


The dawn is breaking now


What are your thoughts about last night


Can you still see me in your life


 


Chorus


 


Why, tell me, why?


Why do we fight


It's time we both learned to forgive


Baby, try, we can try


Can you deny our love survives?


Can you deny our love survives?


 


 


 


Arty


 

David Sanchez
#24

Hey, Arty.  Thanks for taking the time with this!  I'll have to ponder these changes and see how they sound with the melody, etc.  Again, thank you!



David.


As one who comes from the lyric view point first, I my be strange but I prefer to read the lyric first, lyrics are my passion.


 


No doubt this is working for you and the listeners, just as an excercise. I did a little rewrite to remove the perfect perfect rhyme this and this , tonight and tonight, just one of my pet peaves along with singers announcing the name of the song they are about to play and then the first line IS THE TITTLE.


 


Did preserve them in V1 and V2 in a different way. YOURS TO DO WITH AS YOU WISH, just an enjoyable excercise for me


 


 


Verse 1


Why do we scream like this


Don't end our dreams tonight


I can't bear the anger in our lives


 


Verse 2


Can we stop doing this?


Let's do no more harm tonight


‘N’ hope we change this in our lives


 


 


Chorus


Why, tell me, why?


Why do we fight


It's time we both learned to forgive


Baby, try, we can try


Can you deny our love survives?


Can you deny our love survives?


 


Verse 3


The dawn is breaking now


What are your thoughts about last night


Can you still see me in your life


 


Chorus


 


Why, tell me, why?


Why do we fight


It's time we both learned to forgive


Baby, try, we can try


Can you deny our love survives?


Can you deny our love survives?


 


 


 


Arty