Wes Tibbets
Constructive comments, suggestions, crits and musical collaboration are welcome and appreciated.



Homemade Wine (1st Rewrite)
Copyright 2016 by Wes Tibbets



Verse One



A money kind of honey

In your cowboy boots

With a cute tattoo

That plays peek-a-boo

Like whiskey, no water

There ain't nothing hotter

Than the homegrown love

Of a farmer's daughter



Chorus



You taste like grapes

Straight from the vine

I get drunk on your love

Like homemade wine

Baby, you're a ten

You sure turned out fine

A kiss from your lips

Is like homemade wine



Verse Two



Baby, you got a body

That feels like home

I miss it anytime

That I'm gone too long

You got the kind of moves

That shakes me to my roots

I wonder who taught you

The things that you do



Chorus



You taste like grapes

Straight from the vine

I get drunk on your love

Like homemade wine

Baby, you're a ten

You sure turned out fine

A kiss from your lips

Is like homemade wine



Bridge



Baby, baby, baby

I want you like crazy

All of the time

And I don't mean maybe



Chorus



You taste like grapes

Straight from the vine

I get drunk on your love

Like homemade wine

Baby, you're a ten

You sure turned out fine

A kiss from your lips

Is like homemade wine



Tag



I get drunk on your love

Like homemade wine
Carl B
#1
Hi, Wes

 Only thing I might suggest strengthening are the rhymes in the verses. Right now you've got  boots/boo, hotter/daughter in verse 1. The vowel sounds are either the same (lines 2 & 4) or close (lines 6 & 8). Making 2 & 4 rhyme and then 6 & 8 rhyme would only add to what you've got.
In verse two, lines 2 & 4 don't rhyme, where as 6 & 8 have the same vowel sound but no rhyme. It leaves things inconsistent (at least to me).

Suggestion ( regarding verse 2) 

Verse Two



Baby, you got a body

That feels like home  

I miss it anytime      

That I'm gone too long        I stray or roam            

You got the kind of moves

That shakes me to my roots  That shake me to my roots   (The moves (They) shake you to your roots.)

I wonder who taught you

The things that you do

Then -   the bridge   We already know the singer is hot and horny for the girl. Bridge doesn't take this in either a new direction or add dimension to the mix.  I'd rethink what you've got and start over here. Think on it and think on it with wine and center a new bridge around the affects or feeling of melting or lowering defenses. After all, this is a guy's song of lust and love. It's superficial and fun and nothing wrong with that but a bridge that adds depth might attract the ladies too. Guy is drunk or intoxicated on the girl's body and looks so much so that he begins to lower his defenses and has some feeling beyond the physical for her. Then the bridge expands beyond the bulge in the singer's pants.  Yeah, get rid of the baby, baby, baby and that's not a maybe! Lol

Something to think about.
Use or lose my comments


Carl
Wes Tibbets
#2
Thanks Carl,

I appreciate the suggestions. I'll see what I can come up with to address some of those if not all. I appreciate you taking the time to check it out. Best wishes!
Larry Killam
#3
Enjoyed Da Read Wes.Another great title would be Staight From The Vine.All Da Best with It Wes.
Dan Lamons
#4
Larry Killam said...

Enjoyed Da Read Wes.Another great title would be Staight From The Vine.All Da Best with It Wes.



The line Straight from the Vine may work better, being Fresh off the Vine.

Wes, it flows really well , I could pick up my guitar and do a rendition right off the cuff.

The bridge didn't really work for me. My .02 for what its worth.
Wes Tibbets
#5
Thanks Larry and Dan,

I think it is a consensus that the bridge could use a makeover. I'm planning on doing a rewrite. I just haven't had time yet. Or inspiration. I appreciate you fellas checking it out. Best wishes!