Sliver

A rewrite of a lyric I did in April. Not sure if it was posted in the old forum or not, but I shortened it and re-worded the verses some.

(Vs)
My suitcase is open, laying on the bed;
boxes of belongings stacked by the door.
Hangers of clothes are lopped over a chair;
unwanted pictures are strewn on the floor.

(Vs)
She's standing at the doorway watching me pack;
arms folded and leaning against the frame.
With red watery eyes and trembling lips,
she asked me to stop so she could explain.

(Ch)
I need a Sliver, just a sliver
of a reason I should stay
Sliver, give me a sliver
of a good answer today
Sliver
I just need a sliver

(Vs)
Through the bus window, blurred buildings wiz past;
In my reflection I see sagging eyes.
My ear buds play music I can't really hear,
as I sift through the feelings dueling inside.

(Vs)
She had stood at the station watching me leave;
crying with prayer like hands to her mouth.
Had pleaded with me to please change my mind
But there was really nothing to think about

(Bridge)
I just looked at her and said;
"I know you've been untrue"
She couldn't deny it
and she never tried to

(Ch)
Needed a sliver, just a sliver
of a reason I should stay
Sliver, yes a sliver
that she could give today
Sliver
Just needed a sliver

© L. James Tanner

LT,

Really like where this is going but wouod make a suggestion, there is a bit too much telling and not enough showing in the Nashville speack. For instance, although I really like the Prayer like hands line it appears to be emotive, it actually distracted me a bit when reading this, i now know you meant, but, I had to think about it.

I have made an attempt to put a bit of brevity into the V3 V4 and Bridge Section  and putting them all into a a single verse ( this isnt definitive of course just a crack at it!)

(Vs)
At the bus shelter then she started sobbing

Standing there with hands at her mouth.
Looking off into the distance and my future

I just said; “you've been untrue"

 then into the chorus, instead of Needed, I'm thinking it should probably be

Needing just a Sliver .....

Which for mine says you would accept it still and you are at the precipice of going or staying, a stronger emotive position for the song I believe.

Yours to keep or disregard of course, just ones mans opinion

Arty

It is always tood to see rewrites by the way!

Enjoyed the read,Would love to hear it.

Good lyric!

Has emotional appeal. Who hasn't been, known or heard about someone in a relationship that has cheated.

I was able to conjure up some fresh images of this playing out based on what was said.

Suggestion on the chorus:

Ch)
I need a Sliver, just a sliver
Of a reason I should stay
Sliver,  just a sliver
Of an answer here today

Don't think the last two lines are necessary in chorus.

In the 4th verse, I'd  also work on the 2nd line there.

Perhaps:  Cryin' with shaking hands to her mouth

The bridge explains everything!

Keep or sweep my suggestions & thoughts.  : )

Hi LJ

Beautifully penned sorrowful emotions here. Bravo! Couple of suggs. for the chorus  keep or sweep

I need a Sliver, of a reason
why I should stay

why my love shouldn't wither

and die today

Just give me a sliver

to make me stay

Howdy James,  good cheatin' goodbye lyric......  only thought is, if he's gonna take the bus, he wouldn't have a bunch of boxes of belongings

 only clothes and essentials..... I'll come back by & try to help you slim it down if you'd like, just let me know?............Gus