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Jonathan San German
Okay, Dan. I like what you're doing here and what you've got so far, but I have some ideas for you and this song. However, before I get to that I just want to comment on a few things that have been said so far in this thread.

>"I really didn't have a target audience in mind. I just had the hook come to mind and started toying with the idea. I don't believe anyone can come out of left field and get recorded on a major label these days. All the major players have dozens of staff writers competing for the latest hit." - Don Lemons, 2015

That's totally okay, man. There is a HUGE audience for people who make concept tracks/albums(i.e. The Mountain Goats, The Wonder Years, La Dispute, etc.). So not really having an audience for a song with a theme like this is okay. It tells a story of heartbreak, there are LOADS of people who unfortunately can relate to a track like this! Secondly: sure, it's very rare for people to get swept off their feet to a major label. Yes. But a bunch of amazing artists have worked from small town communities and music scenes that have gone on to be come well known bands. They initially didn't have people to write songs for them to start off. People had to sign them for SOME reason.

>"Also someone has already wrote a song about that. I'm trying to write a song about something that has not been said. My goal is originality lyrically and musically."-Dane Leoniads, 2015

Originality is super important and very valuable to have. I find sometimes it's really hard to be completely original, which is why you should write things that mean something to YOU. I find that the more meaning we put into our own work, the more original the lyrics turn out to be. Just a simple thought. This post has gone on way too long. NOW, ONTO THE SONG CRITIQUE!