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Josh Church
I appreciate the feedback. I don't often think to double check myself to tense errors like that, and it doesn't help that I just generally have problems editing my own work. Whatever gets written down first usually seems fine to me, and going through to fix things like that often doesn't happen like it should.

I definitely agree that the song is a little more obscure than it should be. I do wish that this type of prose was still more mainstream, as it's how I think. I guess I get more roots from writing long before I picked up song-driven music. I was writing out poetry for quite a while before I started play guitar and other instruments, so I guess you could say old habits die hard. 

Anyway, thanks for everything. I'll make sure to work on your points!

OD OldDog said...

Josh Ol Buddy,

I give you credit for your rhyme patterns, but your lyrics make no sense.  You can obviously write but you write more like a poet than a songwriter.  The days of poets writing mystery lyrics went out a long time ago.  Today if you want to keep a listeners attention you have to keep them involved and tell your story in simple language they can understand.  You no-longer have the luxury of writing in prose or throwing out thoughts in you head that may sound clever but don't make any sense.

Let's look at your 1st verse:

Memories are just folded sheets
An empty bed I don't understand
I never expected to follow my plan
This broken records on repeat

I had to read and re-read this verse over and over to even think I got the deep meaning behind your lyric.

The point is; a listener of today has a very short attention span.  They are not sitting at home with head sets on trying to figure out the hidden message behind a lyric.  That may have happened years ago but not today.

Now, lets look at your chorus:

I'll ask about your other friends
You'll tell me to go back to bed
Through the pounds that I might shed
I hope we can make amends

For one thing,  your 1st verse mentions "memories" suggesting a past tense.  Your chorus says you ask about her other friends in a present tense.  Then that 3rd line about shedding pounds doesn't fit the story at all.

I just think you need to look things over and decide if your writing poetry or a song.  JMHO

Don't get me wrong, I want you to continue to write and I hope you are open to suggestions to learn the difference between writing poetry and song lyrics.  Feel free to tell me to buzz off.